Mr. “I think you’re great”

       Just because a guy owns his house, his car, his Harley, and has a precious Chocolate Lab does not mean he is sincere when he says, “All I need is the girl, and I think you’re her.”

    The whole thing is so cliche looking back but hindsight is always 20/20. He seemed so… established, mature, and serious about avoiding games. His dates were thoughtful and his eyes spoke to the pure enjoyment he was sharing. His words were familiar, like the squares and rectangles before him but I didn’t mind. I didn’t mind because he had to be different- this time, this one. I mean, what other guy takes you to church as your second date? What other guy takes you to yoga and for a hoppy draft after? What other guy leaves a note on the whiteboard in your room? Oh… this is familiar… but, I’m only saying this because I’m coming out of the hangover that was him.

       What other guy stays over before your trip back home and then ceases all communication? What guy doesn’t care if your 4 planes made it safely to the next airport or that your holiday was a happy one? What other guy upon your arrival home DUMPS YOU even though you were never an item? The guy that tells you in the same breath, “I like you, you’re great… it’s like you made me fall in love with you overnight?” What other guy utters the words, “You are the kind of girl I would love to have you on my arm and show you off…but I just can’t be yours.” I wish this quote wasn’t verbatim but I wrote it down almost as the words were falling out of his mouth. Objectified again and dumbfounded. This isn’t new but I guess it was never conveyed this abruptly.           What other guy tells you he can’t stand being around his mom more than 3 days at a time and how he would hate to ruin me too? Or what about, “we moved too fast, except the physical stuff, that was fine.” I’m sure it was sir, I’m sure.

        Saltine Crackers, I think you’re great but you’re not sweet even though I sweet-talked you, I’m going to have to smother you in brown sugar and butter that I put under fiery pressure until sugar dissolves. Dissolves like the hope there was, yet again actually believing the words a man tells you. But for these bland crackers usually served sides to soup, this is an upgrade and it doesn’t need no man (Z-Snap formation). Then transport these dressed up crackers to an oven heated 350 degrees. 8 minutes in the stoplight and top with chocolate chips and quickly spread with a rubber scraper. The only better topping I could imagine is bacon. Oh yea girl! Add some crispy bacon atop this beauty. This traditional recipe has diverse names but for this post, lets call it Upgrade Cracks.


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